1. High school is a clique-ish environment. People are put in boxes and labeled. If you’re out of a box, you’re lost.
2. Aside from my friends since 12, I had no real friends from high school.
3. I am judgmental when it comes to people from high school. Or, more bluntly, I don’t like them. And perhaps they don’t like me too.

To say that I didn’t enjoy the reunion would be an understatement. I appreciate how my friends took care of me, but I hated the thought that I needed taking care of.

Being in one section all throughout high school, and having bottle-thick eyeglasses to boot, I am put in the box labeled ‘Geek’. This is exactly the stereotype I wanted to break out of, when I stepped into college. I went at great lengths to gain a social life. I became outspoken, friendly, confident. I joined organizations. I even attempted at a leadership position. I had friends, and later on, a boyfriend. I was successful.

But stepping into the high school reunion was like stepping back through time.

I was a wallflower. A ‘geek’ again. An outsider.

I hated it.

Nakalungkot din (I felt it ought to have been my mom)… and heartwarming at the same time. Napaisip ako nun, what did I do right to earn this little girl’s admiration? I was dumbfounded.

Taong nag-iisip. Taong may spine. Taong totoo. No
wimps. No cheeseball lines. No bullshit.

Now I understand how true these words are. It took several years to realize that I am a woman of few real friends — by choice.

There are people you want to meet and hang out with, and then there are people who you know from the onset that you will not get along with, and then (very rarely) there are the exceptions to the latter.

Friendship is more than having someone to banter with, to have lunch with, or to get drunk with. That’s just companionship. A relationship borne out of a circumstance. And when the circumstance passes, so does the relationship.

When you find someone who stands beside you when the words run out, when food turns stale, and the alcohol evaporates — or maybe even when there’s none of those to begin with — you’ve found a friend.

Eto na ang dugo. At ang sakit.

It is such a heavy burden to carry around, and I have been carrying it for a while. It is a nagging feeling that won’t let you sleep. It’s been on and off… But now it is on full-blast.

It is now a valid fear.

And boy, am I frightened.

It’s crazy, when you fear losing a job that you don’t even love in the first place, but you need to hold on to it because: 1) you need it to pay your bills, and 2) your pride cannot swallow the thought of you being ‘incompetent’.

I’m not sure whether I do want to go, or if I want to stay and prove myself. I mean, I already admitted that I don’t plan on staying there for longer than a year…

*Sigh*

But I am still agitated. It nags at me, gnaws at my nerves.

I don’t know what to do, think, or feel.

I hate it. I hate this.

Did I make a wrong decision somewhere?

Bleh. There’s no use in thinking what-ifs.

So what do I do now?

I don’t know.

Eff my life.

Sigh.

My two youngest sisters and my youngest brother left with my father, to fly to the United States… and when they will be back here is uncertain.

Surprisingly, I feel no sadness for their parting. My grandmother told us last night, “I don’t want to cry.” My 2nd brother reportedly shed tears at the airport. I had none of that.

Maybe, because I’m sure that we will meet again.

Maybe, because I’ve experienced it before, when my eldest sister left.

But I do feel that the house is a little empty.

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
- ‘Closing Time’, Semisonic

Next week begins a definite new chapter in my life. No more work-from-home, FlexBen, shift premium, and flexitime. New environment, new people, new schedule, and new responsibilities. It’s almost as if I’ll be a whole new person.

A lot of people have been asking, “Why?”

The time is right. The opportunity presented itself, and I cannot afford to pass it up. It opens up entirely new possibilities for me, not just financially but also career-wise.

I hope it works out for the best.

I tried counting, and gave up after the 4th or 5th 79.

I wonder what runs through people’s minds before sleep takes over. For some, I imagine it can be a melody. For others, I imagine it can be pictures, or even moving pictures. For me, it’s random thoughts.

My eyes are still wide open. No hint of drowse. I want to sleep.

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage – Family search – Genealogy sites

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage – Free family history – Family website