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If attending a high school reunion was good for anything, it was for reaffirming that:
- High school is a clique-ish environment. People are put in boxes and labeled. If you’re out of a box, you’re lost.
- Aside from my friends since 12, I had no real friends from high school.
- I am judgmental when it comes to people from high school. Or, more bluntly, I don’t like them. And perhaps they don’t like me too.
This was my entry for “Who would you like to meet” in my Friendster profile, circa 2005.
Taong nag-iisip. Taong may spine. Taong totoo. No
wimps. No cheeseball lines. No bullshit.
Now I understand how true these words are. It took several years to realize that I am a woman of few real friends — by choice.
There are people you want to meet and hang out with, and then there are people who you know from the onset that you will not get along with, and then (very rarely) there are the exceptions to the latter.
Friendship is more than having someone to banter with, to have lunch with, or to get drunk with. That’s just companionship. A relationship borne out of a circumstance. And when the circumstance passes, so does the relationship.
When you find someone who stands beside you when the words run out, when food turns stale, and the alcohol evaporates — or maybe even when there’s none of those to begin with — you’ve found a friend.
Sabi ng isang Superhero (SH), “…hindi makakapagsulat kung walang dugong dumadanak.”
Eto na ang dugo. At ang sakit.
It is such a heavy burden to carry around, and I have been carrying it for a while. It is a nagging feeling that won’t let you sleep. It’s been on and off… But now it is on full-blast.
It is now a valid fear.
And boy, am I frightened.
It’s crazy, when you fear losing a job that you don’t even love in the first place, but you need to hold on to it because: 1) you need it to pay your bills, and 2) your pride cannot swallow the thought of you being ‘incompetent’.
I’m not sure whether I do want to go, or if I want to stay and prove myself. I mean, I already admitted that I don’t plan on staying there for longer than a year…
*Sigh*
But I am still agitated. It nags at me, gnaws at my nerves.
I don’t know what to do, think, or feel.
I hate it. I hate this.
Did I make a wrong decision somewhere?
Bleh. There’s no use in thinking what-ifs.
So what do I do now?
I don’t know.
Eff my life.
Sigh.
They say that “you never know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.” I say “you never realize how much you wanted something until you realize it’s out of your reach.”
Today’s a day of low self-esteem. I feel incapacitated, trapped, helpless.
They say “rest if you must, but never give up.” I should keep that in mind.
Your self-esteem is at an all-time low. You are but an insignificant speck in the world, as negligible as the faces you pass, always there, but also never there.
It’s just like a game of poker.
Hindi na mahalaga kung ang kicker ng full house ay pair of aces, at ang kicker ng quadro ay isang hamak na dos lamang. Quadro wins over full house every time.
Kahit nga wala ka pang kicker eh. Kung straight-flush ang hawak mo, ikaw dapat ang lamang.
Seeing yourself
It’s kind of interesting, and at the same time kind of disturbing, when you meet someone that you realize is just like you.
You thought you’re already decided, you thought you’re already sure. But when it came down to active moves, you couldn’t make yours. Truth is, you haven’t completely convinced yourself.
OR
You know it’s time. You know you have nothing to lose. You know you have the world to conquer. You just don’t know what’s keeping you from stepping away.
Neon lights took my father away.
Took my trust, my respect.
Left nothing but shame.
What would be worse? That it were true? Or that it was a cover-up for something else?
It’s crazy. Read the rest of this entry »
