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If attending a high school reunion was good for anything, it was for reaffirming that:
- High school is a clique-ish environment. People are put in boxes and labeled. If you’re out of a box, you’re lost.
- Aside from my friends since 12, I had no real friends from high school.
- I am judgmental when it comes to people from high school. Or, more bluntly, I don’t like them. And perhaps they don’t like me too.
This was my entry for “Who would you like to meet” in my Friendster profile, circa 2005.
Taong nag-iisip. Taong may spine. Taong totoo. No
wimps. No cheeseball lines. No bullshit.
Now I understand how true these words are. It took several years to realize that I am a woman of few real friends — by choice.
There are people you want to meet and hang out with, and then there are people who you know from the onset that you will not get along with, and then (very rarely) there are the exceptions to the latter.
Friendship is more than having someone to banter with, to have lunch with, or to get drunk with. That’s just companionship. A relationship borne out of a circumstance. And when the circumstance passes, so does the relationship.
When you find someone who stands beside you when the words run out, when food turns stale, and the alcohol evaporates — or maybe even when there’s none of those to begin with — you’ve found a friend.
Sabi ng isang Superhero (SH), “…hindi makakapagsulat kung walang dugong dumadanak.”
Eto na ang dugo. At ang sakit.
It is such a heavy burden to carry around, and I have been carrying it for a while. It is a nagging feeling that won’t let you sleep. It’s been on and off… But now it is on full-blast.
It is now a valid fear.
And boy, am I frightened.
It’s crazy, when you fear losing a job that you don’t even love in the first place, but you need to hold on to it because: 1) you need it to pay your bills, and 2) your pride cannot swallow the thought of you being ‘incompetent’.
I’m not sure whether I do want to go, or if I want to stay and prove myself. I mean, I already admitted that I don’t plan on staying there for longer than a year…
*Sigh*
But I am still agitated. It nags at me, gnaws at my nerves.
I don’t know what to do, think, or feel.
I hate it. I hate this.
Did I make a wrong decision somewhere?
Bleh. There’s no use in thinking what-ifs.
So what do I do now?
I don’t know.
Eff my life.
Sigh.
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
- ‘Closing Time’, Semisonic
Next week begins a definite new chapter in my life. No more work-from-home, FlexBen, shift premium, and flexitime. New environment, new people, new schedule, and new responsibilities. It’s almost as if I’ll be a whole new person.
A lot of people have been asking, “Why?”
The time is right. The opportunity presented itself, and I cannot afford to pass it up. It opens up entirely new possibilities for me, not just financially but also career-wise.
I hope it works out for the best.
It’s been more than an hour since I laid down on my bed.
I tried counting, and gave up after the 4th or 5th 79.
I wonder what runs through people’s minds before sleep takes over. For some, I imagine it can be a melody. For others, I imagine it can be pictures, or even moving pictures. For me, it’s random thoughts.
My eyes are still wide open. No hint of drowse. I want to sleep.
They say that “you never know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.” I say “you never realize how much you wanted something until you realize it’s out of your reach.”
Today’s a day of low self-esteem. I feel incapacitated, trapped, helpless.
They say “rest if you must, but never give up.” I should keep that in mind.
Your self-esteem is at an all-time low. You are but an insignificant speck in the world, as negligible as the faces you pass, always there, but also never there.
It’s just like a game of poker.
Hindi na mahalaga kung ang kicker ng full house ay pair of aces, at ang kicker ng quadro ay isang hamak na dos lamang. Quadro wins over full house every time.
Kahit nga wala ka pang kicker eh. Kung straight-flush ang hawak mo, ikaw dapat ang lamang.
Seeing yourself
It’s kind of interesting, and at the same time kind of disturbing, when you meet someone that you realize is just like you.
More than 24 hours, actually.
That’s how long our journey from Manila, Philippines to San Jose, Costa Rica took. It started on a Northwest flight to Los Angeles, California, which included a plane change in Tokyo, Japan. From Los Angeles, we took a flight to Houston, Texas aboard Continental. From Houston, we finally get to San Jose, Costa Rica.
Everything about the film was amazing. Everything. The whole mood and story and the characters… everything. It’s just so different from your typical superhero movie. This one is not about how cool and powerful the hero is. It’s a story about villains and being human and morals and society. The movie’s impact is amazing. More than 24 hours after and I’m still here soaking up everything I can about it.
Of course, we’re all talking about The Joker. He probably had more scenes than Batman himself. And we all love how his character was made to be and how Heath Ledger was so freakingly amazing. (Trivia: Even Michael Caine was so freaked out by Heath Ledger’s performance, he forgot his lines. Source: click here). He was so convincing, it made me wonder if the character got into him and somehow influenced his death.
Yes, I’m also crazy about Joker. But I’m also crazy about the director, Christopher Nolan. I’m now an official fan. Other than the two latest Batman movies, his filmography also includes The Prestige and Memento. I love the dark and brooding mood of the films, how the characters are so human and/but twisted, and how the movies has a lasting impact on you (I bet you spent hours on post-movie analysis after watching The Dark Knight). It’s depressing, but I love it. If I ever write a novel, I want it to be as powerful as Nolan’s movies.
