aaviel. in transience.
If attending a high school reunion was good for anything, it was for reaffirming that:
One time, my sister was asking me for a picture of myself. When I asked why, she said it was for her assignment: something about the person she admires most. I said, why not a picture of Mommy instead? Or Ate? She shook her head, no, it’s Ate Tweety.
Nakalungkot din (I felt it ought to have been my mom)… and heartwarming at the same time. Napaisip ako nun, what did I do right to earn this little girl’s admiration? I was dumbfounded.
This was my entry for “Who would you like to meet” in my Friendster profile, circa 2005.
Taong nag-iisip. Taong may spine. Taong totoo. No
wimps. No cheeseball lines. No bullshit.
Now I understand how true these words are. It took several years to realize that I am a woman of few real friends — by choice.
There are people you want to meet and hang out with, and then there are people who you know from the onset that you will not get along with, and then (very rarely) there are the exceptions to the latter.
Friendship is more than having someone to banter with, to have lunch with, or to get drunk with. That’s just companionship. A relationship borne out of a circumstance. And when the circumstance passes, so does the relationship.
When you find someone who stands beside you when the words run out, when food turns stale, and the alcohol evaporates — or maybe even when there’s none of those to begin with — you’ve found a friend.
Sabi ng isang Superhero (SH), “…hindi makakapagsulat kung walang dugong dumadanak.”
Eto na ang dugo. At ang sakit.
It is such a heavy burden to carry around, and I have been carrying it for a while. It is a nagging feeling that won’t let you sleep. It’s been on and off… But now it is on full-blast.
It is now a valid fear.
And boy, am I frightened.
It’s crazy, when you fear losing a job that you don’t even love in the first place, but you need to hold on to it because: 1) you need it to pay your bills, and 2) your pride cannot swallow the thought of you being ‘incompetent’.
I’m not sure whether I do want to go, or if I want to stay and prove myself. I mean, I already admitted that I don’t plan on staying there for longer than a year…
*Sigh*
But I am still agitated. It nags at me, gnaws at my nerves.
I don’t know what to do, think, or feel.
I hate it. I hate this.
Did I make a wrong decision somewhere?
Bleh. There’s no use in thinking what-ifs.
So what do I do now?
I don’t know.
Eff my life.
Sigh.
Today is a milestone in our family’s story.
My two youngest sisters and my youngest brother left with my father, to fly to the United States… and when they will be back here is uncertain.
Surprisingly, I feel no sadness for their parting. My grandmother told us last night, “I don’t want to cry.” My 2nd brother reportedly shed tears at the airport. I had none of that.
Maybe, because I’m sure that we will meet again.
Maybe, because I’ve experienced it before, when my eldest sister left.
But I do feel that the house is a little empty.
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
- ‘Closing Time’, Semisonic
Next week begins a definite new chapter in my life. No more work-from-home, FlexBen, shift premium, and flexitime. New environment, new people, new schedule, and new responsibilities. It’s almost as if I’ll be a whole new person.
A lot of people have been asking, “Why?”
The time is right. The opportunity presented itself, and I cannot afford to pass it up. It opens up entirely new possibilities for me, not just financially but also career-wise.
I hope it works out for the best.
It’s been more than an hour since I laid down on my bed.
I tried counting, and gave up after the 4th or 5th 79.
I wonder what runs through people’s minds before sleep takes over. For some, I imagine it can be a melody. For others, I imagine it can be pictures, or even moving pictures. For me, it’s random thoughts.
My eyes are still wide open. No hint of drowse. I want to sleep.
|
